Silence
I have been silent here for a while, as I have been silent almost everywhere for the last month. The Saturday before Christmas I felt so bad, that I wondered for the first time whether I would be willing to make it till the end of the next year (so 2009), let alone even longer.
It was then that I decided to take back as much as I could in any kind of activity, just to see what happens if I make as little physical efforts as possible. Especially since I realised that there is no knowledge about the long term effect of what they put into my spinal fluid, but that we do know about the short term effects of cytarabine; it causes peripheral neuropathies, which may be irreversible and may be made worse by exercise. Symptoms include: numbness and tingling, unsteadiness when standing or walking, clumsiness of the hands and feet.
Need I say more? The symptoms sound more than familiar and exercise can be any form of physical effort. Lo and behold, being physically very “quiet” helped. Even the fatigue diminished. But going shopping, even in the supermarket at 5 minutes distance, has it’s immediate consequences…. BTW, visits by friends and listening to their stories appears to be physical activity as well, as all symptoms get worse after such a visit, hence also my social “silence”.
The other aspect is my head and my ability to concentrate and focus. As I have mentioned before, one of my strong points has always been my ability to (mentally) multitask. During these weeks of “silence” I discovered that that ability has almost completely gone. When I’m at my computer and the telephone rings, I have to completely abbandon my screen, otherwise I am unable to hold a proper conversation. I can’t find words, can’t finish phrases.
Friends tell me that I am amazingly positive and optimistic. I think that’s my nature. And at the moment the cocooning feels alright as it gives me perspective of some improvements. However the question remains, are cocooning and mental and social “isolation”, not to mention fatigue and the physical discomforts, the core elements of a chemo patient’s life? And will that be fulfilling for a longer period of time?
Let me know what you think. Or maybe you even recognise it….
Dear Lo, I don’t know what to say. At least I have no answers.
The need of these so called ‘silences’ is evident in order to maintain a certain standard of productivity. Simply the ‘will’ to do more, and the willpower which is needed to achieve a productivity slightly familiar to earlier standards consumes most of the energy befòre reaching the standard. The balance will be or must be somewhere in the middle….but which middle and whose….A totally new road of discovery, that’s how I try to see it, day by day, stumbling and striving forward….Sorry that I still know so little….
xxx,